Revitalized

An inspired thought came to me today: you cannot be revitalized if you are anesthetized. Sometimes we're willing to be conscious of our attempts to numb ourselves, but all too often, we do it without even realizing it. It becomes so familiar to us, that we forget what it's like to truly feel. Yet, it is our very feelings which often signal to us a need we have-for change, for silence, for joy, for anything.

I've spent most of my life trying to dull down the feelings in me-for so many reasons-but ultimately, because I wanted to stop hurting. The pain never seemed to go away. And, as unbelievable as it might seem, it has only been until very recently that I'm coming to terms with the fact that you simply cannot wish or numb pain away. I've called myself an "addict" when I went to meetings. I've been quick to throw many labels on myself through the years, when in all actuality, the only label that fits is "human." I'm human and in all of my frailties and ill attempts at existing with what I thought was a crappy deal I got handed in life, the pain never went away.

I have used what could be pleasures in life-food, money, love, lust, margaritas...to simply keep the pain a little more at bay. Pleasures are meant to be savored and honored for their purpose-not abused to fill a void or numb a pain they could never possibly relieve. It sounds so simple, but when you've been managing your pain, rather than releasing it, it is hell.

I believe that there is only one way to be revitalized...and that is to no longer anesthetize ourselves to whatever needs healing. So, while the in-between of pain and healing is an uncomfortable, and often, scary place to be...the promise it holds is that I am on my way forward, no matter how many baby steps it takes. And, when you really stop looking back with sorrow or looking forward with fear, you create a space to connect to all that truly matters...the very moment you are in.