What Have We Become?

This blog post is not for the faint of heart. I'm fed up...and you should be too. Tomorrow morning we will all awaken to hear one of the top news headlines be that the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is within reach. Pastors will preach about it this weekend. Politicians will debate and defend their votes. The gay community will cheer and await in uncertainty about whether this means we are a little more respected. We'll all have an opinion. But, this isn't really a blog about gays. You see, you're all entitled to your belief about us, and we, in turn, are entitled to our opinions about your beliefs. What this blog is really about is the larger message that I believe we, as a people, are missing.

Attached to this policy reform is a $700 billion defense spending bill. And, I have a question for all of the conservative, Christians I've heard comments from all day. How do you reconcile supporting the funding of an institution whose SOLE purpose is to kill people? I know...we have fuzzy ways to not call it that. We call it "defense," "necessities of freedom," "vengence." But, words, no matter how wattered down, cannot water down Truth. The truth is over 100,000 Iraqi CIVILIANS have been killed since we started this war more than seven years ago. It makes no sense to me how the same political party that is in complete allegiance to protecting life through banning abortion also raise their flag proudly defending the taking of life in other countries. It's black and white. Either you embrace and support the protection of life or you don't. You cannot simultaneously be pro-life and pro-war. They are the antithesis of one another.

Let's go even further. This same political party has raised hell over the same social issues for decades-abortion, gay rights, military, and economic conservatism. So, it's no wonder when the most liberal president begins signing enormous spending bills, they are up in arms. Except...it is a little confusing for those of us who pay attention. First, the war in Iraq has already cost us over $3 trillion. Second, President Bush put this country into $5 trillion of debt during the life of his presidency. Where were all of the economic conservatives who are just now revolting against national spending? Third, this party fights to protect life but also is infuriated when the President finally says we are going to pay for health care to be available for all Americans to SUSTAIN life, because it's going to cost "too much." So...we want to protect life but don't want to pay for it? And, we supposedly want to protect life, but we will gladly support paying for other nations to lose their lives? Am I the only one confused? And, while my sarcasm may be a little extreme since I've had it with the hypocrisy, this is a very serious problem that I don't think many of them actually spend deep time considering.

So..who would Jesus bomb? When he was nailed to that cross, he was not telling his disciples to go grab the closest rocks they could and stone the soldiers who were crucifying him. Yet, this is exactly the attitude too many Christians have today, and it's appauling. Stop calling yourselves Christians, because Christ never once embodied vengence. The greatest leaders that we teach our children about all had very common teachings and practices-nonviolence, love, and forgiveness. Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, and these are just a few.

Violence propogates violence. Hatred breeds further hatred. We have thrown God's name on our bombs and our money and failed to heed to the true message of Christ by doing so. It is not the gays who are a measure of how far this country has drifted from its Christian roots. It is the many Christians themselves, who support the propogation of the antithesis of Christ's teachings and actually believe they are doing God's work.

Call me liberal. Call me angry. Call me anything that helps comfort you if you do not agree, but I will be laying my head down tonight knowing that policies may come and go, but Christ's message we will be eternally responsible for upholding or destroying. So, I ask you again, Who Would Jesus Bomb?

Rebirth

Today, I made a trip to the bookstore with only one book in mind that I knew I needed-a Bible. I walked out of the store with four books instead, knowing full well if anyone saw my stack they'd for sure be thinking, "That girl is going through some things." I definitely am, but I guess the important words are "going through," even though lately it's felt more like crawling and scraping through.

"20 Something, 20 Everything" is an amazing book and I'm so grateful that I was able to discover it. Have you ever had a book that you know without a doubt was written for you? That someone knows exactly what you're feeling and going through? Any woman who is in their 20s or early 30s and feels that they are going through a quarter-life crisis needs to pick this book up. So, what's a quarter-life crisis? One definition is-"feelings of confusion, anxiety, and self-doubt experienced by some people in their 20s, especially after graduation." Within the first few pages of this book, you'll know if it's for you.

As women, our generation is experiencing life very differently than our mothers in many distinct ways. We have greater freedom, yet greater burdens that come with the society and limitless choices we are faced with, and we are navigating through it all without much of a roadmap. We have to find our answers within ourselves and while this can feel very lonely, it's necessary if we are to succssfully transition from adolescence to adulthood. *sigh* If only the process were as simple as the prose about it can be. There are 3 questions this book insists most of us experiencing this crisis are trying and need to answer: "Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?"

I am beginning my journey to discover the answers to those questions and I am certain not everyone in my life will understand or agree with whatever they may be. I already feel a stirring in me about things that no one would have probably ever expected out of me, but isn't that the joy of self-discovery? Finally knowing who you are, what enlivens and sustains you, without the guidance, influence, or approval of anyone else? An awakening is beginning...a rebirth is in the works...and I will survive these labor pains.

Truth

I was blessed to grow up with parents who always afforded us the space and sanctuary to be true-to ourselves, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and fears. We talked constantly about what was real-no matter how messy or painful it might be. It taught me, without me even realizing it, how to live authentically. I was the child who was willing to fight-for justice, truth, change, no matter how uncomfortable or inappopriate anyone thought it was. In essence, living and demanding raw honesty was part of my very being. As a teenager, I remember saying that something as simple as looking someone in the eyes to communicate signifies authentic dialogue. If someone couldn't look me in the eyes, I knew something was wrong.

Now, I struggle to look people in the eyes, for fear that if I do, they will see right through all I've tried so hard to keep hidden inside. For years, I've carried the heaviest burdens I never thought I would bear...the burdens of half-truths, twisted lies, and nearly choking them down trying to accept them for the sake of "love." Living lies, whether your own or someone else's, is unbearably painful...slowly robbing you of your Voice, your Truth, your Essence. For some, they carry their burdens to the grave...but it feels that if I silence myself, my Truth, for one more day, I will surely be in the grave prematurely.

I believe we are all called to live in the light of Truth and that anything less promises only darkness. Sometimes, truth requires loss, pain, or a dismantling of our comfort, but it always carries the promise of freedom. They say depression is anger repressed. They say don't let the sun go down upon your wrath. For six years, I have truly tried to do so...only to never feel resolution. The sun will rise again tomorrow...and I will release my Truth...every day...to heal, to grieve, and to liberate the girl in me who was raised to expect and provide nothing less than the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so HELP ME GOD...

Jasmine

There is no other loss greater in one's life than death to make you look back and wish you could undo what's been done. Death robs us of the space to share face-to-face all that we should have and did not. Eight years ago this month, I was looking at high school graduation on the horizon and all of the hopes and dreams each 18 year old holds. A month later, I found myself at the hospital bedside of one of my dear, childhood best friends. She couldn't speak to me. I never heard her voice again, but I've always hoped she heard mine. I sang to her. I prayed for her. I told her how much I loved her and was sorry I ever pulled away from our friendship. I walked out the door with the hope that like I told her, we would see each other soon. When the call came that she had died...I fell to the ground...my knees unable to hold the massive weight of pain that rushed over me. A year later, I found myself driving to her old house and just sitting outside crying. I looked at the roof we and her brother would climb up on, the windows opening to the bedrooms where some of my fondest memories of "family" were spent.

I still think of her often...but lately...she's been on my mind a lot-in my dreams, my memories, and I have refused to believe any longer that death is the final separation. You see, I had cleaned out my closet recently and found a stuffed bunny that I couldn't remember where I'd gotten it from. I placed it in my room and continued to search for when it was given to me. When I fell asleep that night, Jasmine was in my dreams. When I awoke..I remembered..the bunny was hers and given to me after she passed. Her spirit is alive. Every spirit is alive. And, I continue to talk to her, sing to her, and tell her I'll see her soon.

Jasmine, I love you, friend. Each time I hear this song, you know I think of you, cry, and send my love up to your spirit in the sky. I've changed the words to how I sing them to you. Thank you for finding me.

"Empty Garden"-Elton John, for John Lennon
What happened here
As the New York sunset disappeared
I found an empty garden among the flagstones there
Who lived here
She must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And now it all looks strange
It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain
And what's it for
This little empty garden by the brownstone door
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more
Who lived here
She must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And we are so amazed we're crippled and we're dazed
A gardener like that one no one can replace

And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Jasmine
Can't you come out to play

And through their tears
Some say she farmed her best in younger years
But she'd have said that roots grow stronger if only she could hear
Who lived there
She must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls
We hear, we hear your name

And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Jasmine
Can't you come out to play

Jasmine can't you come out to play in your empty garden

Breakdown or Breakthrough...

You cannot run from who you are..
You cannot run from who you've been..
Everything outside will fail to heal
All the pain that lies within.
This is my reflection..
tattered and worn through all the years
but I will rise again to find my direction
and break through all these dreadful fears.

Breakdown or breakthrough...it's only up to you.